I've never written Free Pill Astrology with a co-writer, until now. Every professional astrologer knows that people who have never studied the esoteric arts can come out with some of the most brilliant astrological insights. I would like to introduce my friend Stevie Florist. He's actually a florist. You can't make this shit up. He's never read an astrology book but he has such great ideas about life that I thought I would ask him to join me writing my column this week. I would text him what I wrote, and he would read it and text me back. Here's the skinny! Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: I've always loved the horoscope column! Once as a kid I got my Starscroll and it said I was going to have a fabulous life! Here we go! Rod: Wait, I still have one thing to add. Please wear a mask while reading this horoscope. I know I can't make you do it, but I can influence you. I want you to show the world how much you care, by covering your face staring into the screen and reading. Since I started wearing a mask, I have never felt so good. I have never felt so free. I know that I am not presenting a health risk to others. Of course, I have no idea how I know that and like you I am wondering why my hero, Anthony Fauci, said in March 2020 that healthy people should not wear masks. He said it's a feel good gesture only. That is what we are here to do today!
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ARIES
So many bad things have happened. Do you remember them all? First, we bombed Iraq for 10 years for nothing, and then 9/11 happened and we bombed them again for 20 more years, along with Afghanistan for 20 years. Meanwhile every American was placed under surveillance by the NSA. There were 75 mass shootings, global warming and pollution getting worse, and the 1% getting richer and richer. Then Trump got elected. And then there was a pandemic. We lost our whole way of life. We could not go to a picnic or a concert. We were forced to stay home and wear masks. Things were looking totally dismal until the vaccine came out! Now everything is going to be perfect! So take the vaccine! Don't ask questions. Questions are bad, even if you're curious, which you are. Questions are offensive. I know you're an Aries and want to be individualistic, but now it's time to be communal. Not communist. Communal and collective. Be responsible. Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: I don't know much about Chiron, but I think it's about medicine, and it's in Aries now, which is egotistical. So that means you should go to the doctor and get your injection. When in doubt, do what Chiron would do. Chiron wasn't selfish.
TAURUS
Normally you don't have a love affair with new technology. Your old radio is better than any new radio. You still have that dusty PC from 2005 and it works great even though you've never upgraded your operating system. You don't like wires in your house. You would never get an electric mixer; your grandma's old eggbeater works just fine. You've lived in the same place for the last 37 years. You are so not about new, new, new. You like things as they are — and you like to take care of yourself the old-school way, by getting your beauty rest, eating an apple, and taking a walk every day. However, Uranus is in your sign. That means you're changing. In fact, change is inevitable. Uranus is about new technology and it's located in your birth sign so the technology must go into you — with the injection of an mRNA platform designed by an awesome new company that will provide handsome shareholder value. Full disclosure: I am one of those Moderna shareholders, so please get that one. Stevie, do you have anything special to add? Stevie: Yes, my astrological idol, Jeff Green, wrote a book that nobody has heard of, called Uranus: Freedom From the Known. That is what you need! If you take this injection, you will certainly have freedom from anything you've ever known, such as good health and peace of mind. Heck, you might not even remember who you are. Would that be a loss?
GEMINI
You like to talk. Why, you're a regular chatty Patty! Well, I've got something for you to talk about. Your neighbor two doors down has their friends over now, and there are seven people at the dinner table when the limit is six. The guy who walks his dog past your house at 11 pm each night does not wear a mask — and neither does his dog, threatening all life on Earth. There is a bridge club in the next town having secret meetings where nobody socially distances. Now is your chance to be a good citizen and use your powers of conversation and embellishment to report the lot of them to the county sheriff. Oh wait, the sheriff is an elected official and despite being a Democrat supports the Constitution and is not participating in the crackdown. So you will have to hire Blackwater Security to bust in on them all. That's fortunate because I can see from the wonderful position of Jupiter in your chart that you have money coming and can afford to hire them. Stevie, do you have anything to offer? Stevie: Playing bridge is highly irresponsible during a global pandemic. Let's put all of those enemies of freedom (and their dogs, and for that matter, their extremely dangerous kitty cats, who kill birds) out of business.
MAGICKAL FUTURE
With a little help from our life-extending, perfect-health-inducing injectable nanoplasma, you can live for hundreds of years. Our latest platform, EXTENDO.22TM v. 4.9, crosses the blood-brain barrier more efficiently than ever, gets right into your cells, and comes complete with a SensoriumTM entertainment center. This will keep you from getting bored and offer you a rich inner life. You can add the Movies4UTM module which connects you directly to Amazon's PrimeSenseTM Mind'sEyeTM internal video monitor. You can also get the new AnalogAudioTM module, and hear brainwave simulations of all of your favorite LPs or even live music (crowd presence costs extra). You can take a simulated Disney vacation for just $999, including imaginary meals. You can add the TelepathyTM app and communicate device-free with your friends. And for those who pass the morality test, you may add the SexytimeTM module and have all kinds of good, clean fun anywhere there is BlueTooth, WiFi or a satellite connection (we are offering a sale on orgasms this week, available for just $159.95 each, sharable for $259.95). Please note that your psychosexual activity will be reviewed by our algorithm and if your thoughts are inappropriate, you will be denied gratification for anywhere from 30 days to one year. Repeat offenders may be banned from orgasm for life. So keep it clean. Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: What you said, keep it clean. I know you're all a bunch of perverts. Get a grip.
CANCER
Let's admit this right now. You're a mess. You're all over the map, and all over the road of life. Depending on where your Moon is, you could be a bona fide fucking lunatic. So do like I do, and take happy pills made just for your sign. Our special, custom-made pill form of inoculation will not only prevent this terrible disease that nobody seems to have, but it will stabilize your moods, make you a better person, and curb your appetite (for everything). These pills will smooth out your life until one day is exactly like the next, and the next, and the next. Eventually, every day will feel like Monday morning. We will eventually relieve you of your personality and emotions completely, and you can be just like me, writing the same column over and over every week for decades on end. And think of it! You won't ever catch a disease! Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: Rod, I find you to be entirely nonthreatening, even-keeled, and acceptable to society. Everyone should be like you. I want to be just like you, because I respect you so much. I'm not a Cancer but I'm going to try these pills that you recommend.
PUBLIC NOTICE
The Constitution has not been suspended. Only selfish people care about their rights. However, there is now a permanent state of "emergency," which grants the government unlimited powers. You may not travel, work or engage in public entertainment without a private certification. You are still a sovereign citizen. Your rights have not been abridged. But we will track and trace you at all times. Breathing normally is now considered a crime. There is still free speech, but you may not express your views. There is still freedom of religion, but you may not go to church, synagogue, or mosque without facing possible arrest. Private corporations and transnational organizations are now doing the bidding of the federal government, but this is not prohibited by the Constitution. It is perfectly legal. Now, all rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
LEO
We will make you powerful. You will dominate existence. You will rise to the top of the mountain. You are the mountain lion. You will be great — indeed, the greatest. You will touch the sky. You alone will be spared the indignity of what we are doing to humanity. That's because you are the chosen one. That's because this life is about you. You have always known this. You have always known that you're uuhhhmaaayzing! Now, we have the perfect pharmaceutical substance that will help you feel this way all the time, for as long as you want. It's pure. It's clean. It's natural. Natives of Peru use it to take long walks up mountaintops. Up, up, up you go! You will know for sure that you are one of us, not one of them. You will know that there is nothing you cannot accomplish — if you have our help. That's because you are finally ready to join the mighty elite. You have what it takes. You deserve this. You do. Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: This stuff is perfectly innocent, since it was an ingredient in Coca-Cola right up through 1929. What could go wrong?
VIRGO
Usually, you think you have a disease. I mean, there are a lot of diseases to have, so it might be true. But I'm here to tell you that you might actually catch something sometime soon. In fact, according to the CDC, if you cough, you have Covid. That's right, just one little cough is a symptom! If you sneeze, you have Covid. If your scalp is itchy, you have Covid. If you meet someone who met someone who knows someone who tested positive, you have Covid. But we have the answer. Our injection will save you. Well, not really our injection. I mean the one made up by Bill Gates that reprograms you! Remember, all Virgos are getting injected. In fact, according to an official Science, Inc., Gates Foundation-Johns Hopkins Health Security Center study, Virgos are especially susceptible to disease right now, for reasons that we cannot reveal. You must do as we say and go immediately and get the vaccine. In fact we recommend that you get all three of them, Moderna, Pfizer, and Johnson & Johnson. Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: There is a conspiracy theory that J&J for knowingly putting asbestos in its baby powder for generations, giving countless people cancer. Do not believe the lies. They are innocent. Think: baby shampoo.
FAKE NEWS ALERT
Contrary to reports on the internet, Morgellons disease is not caused by wearing masks, which grant you freedom and are saving society. This is fake news spread by vicious people who disrespect society and dislike you personally. Morgellon's disease, thought by crazy people to be caused by a parasite, is (according to the Mayo Clinic) "an uncommon, poorly understood condition characterized by small fibers or other particles emerging from skin sores. People with this condition often report feeling as if something were crawling on or stinging their skin. Some doctors recognize the condition as a delusional infestation and treat it with cognitive behavioral therapy, antidepressants, antipsychotic drugs and counseling. Others think the symptoms are related to an infectious process in skin cells. Further study is needed." I.e., you are probably just crazy, just like the people who write about this. Delusion or infection? You decide.
LIBRA
You usually have a hard time making decisions, so I will help you. Be like everyone else and have the government injection.
It's true that often you feel unworthy of love, and this will get you the one thing you want the most, which is acceptance. People will automatically care about you, because you are such a good person, because you had the government injection. Now you WILL finally have proof that others approve of. Then people will want to be your friend and have sex with you, and maybe even marry you. You will be allowed to go to the movies and to parties and to concerts, just like a citizen with all your rights. That is the benefit of the government injection. Too bad for all those sorry suckers who are hesitant. Too bad all of society will be damaged by having an apartheid system, a new Jim Crow where some people are citizens and some are not; a society where some pigs are more equal than other pigs. Trust me, I may not know everything, but you will want to be one of the more equal pigs. Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: Usually I like Libras, but any of you who don't get the government injection are losers who have no respect for Pluto and should have your Saturn return revoked because you are merely a selfish child.
TRANSHUMANITY
We promise you immortality, perfect health, perfect contentment, the perfect marriage and beautiful children. Do what we say and your life will be immaculate. You will not even have a runny nose. You will never feel sad again. You will not hunger or thirst. You will be beautiful. People will think you are sincere and intelligent. We have what you need. We will provide you with all of your desires. You want what we have. You do not need anyone else. Do not trust people. You do not need people. Do as we say. We will think your thoughts for you. Do as we say. You will be happy if you do what we say. Don't worry about all those people. They don't understand you. Be like us. We understand you. Use us as your backup drive. We will keep your data safe.
SCORPIO
We're all gonna die! You're gonna die! I'm gonna die! Everyone's gonna die! Death deathdeathdeathdeathdeath&deathdoom gloom doom gloom morbid terror death death disease horror refrigerator trucks in Texas new variants coffins piled up in Italy devastation death loss anguish malaise depression more variants even more variants oh my god variants everywhere death devastation agony sickness horror pain painpainpain death deathdeathdeathdeathdeath! OK now that I have your attention, be a good boy or a good girl and do two things. Write on your mirror in lipstick (but backwards) I BELIEVE IN SCIENCE. Then write it on your forehead. Or, if that is too long, you can just write REDRUM. Then you will settle down, and when you do, you will go out and get your injection and feel good about yourself. Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: Get your injection so I can live forever.
SARS-CoV-2
You are really the in silico, theoretical sequence sometimes known as MN908947.2. You exist only in computer files. You have admitted this before. Because you are a computer file, written in PyMOL software, you cannot infect anyone. You are the basis of the Covid PCR assay, which is not a test and which cannot test for Covid. For you, this is tragic. For the rest of us, it is a scientific scandal. You have been blamed for many deaths, but there has been no real investigation why they happened. In American culture, you are the equivalent of the black guy in a hoodie who is presumed to have committed the crime because he's the black guy in a hoodie. You come from China. There are actually six of you, but nobody knows your origin, and there are no samples of you. You are a weapon in an economic and social war that has so far successfully destroyed the Western way of life. As you said in your own words, you are a fraud, but not a failure
SAGITTARIUS
You like to look on the bright side of life. You like to get out and around the world. But you've never been to Burning Man. I bet you want to go. You will get your wish! Burning Man will now be held on Zoom forevermore. That's because hanging out with people in the desert is dangerous. Immoral things go on there. You don't want to take drugs, go to 10 raves, or have sex in the desert day or night. You don't want to meet artists from all over the world and exchange ideas. You don't need to experience massive art pieces on the playa tripping in the middle of the night. You would hate all those people for whom art is their way of expressing peace and justice. You don't want to be there when the Man burns; it is not that interesting. Don't even get up from your chair! You won't have to pass through Reno twice. You won't have to clean all that sand and dust out of everything you own. Home is the new exotic. Go get another beer and Zoom in! Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: Personally, I've been thrilled because everyone having to wear a mask gets all you Saggies to STFU. I've already had to kick a couple of you off of my Facebook page. Maybe you should wear mittens too.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
We, the legal representatives of Rod Brezinsky's Free Pill Astrology, and Steve Florist the florist, assert that the authors take no legal liability for what they say. Their medical advice shall not be construed as medical advice. They concede they have done no research except for watching Anthony Fauci videos on YouTube and a little CNN. They concede that they do not understand these issues in any way whatsoever. They have heard the fake news rumor that the untested injections being given to the general public are experimental gene-modifying medical devices approved for emergency use only, which they are calling safe and effective. They do not concede that there are people for whom vaccinations of any kind are contra-indicated; all medical procedures have contra-indications, but that does not matter. Astrology is "for entertainment purposes only."
CAPRICORN
If you have ever read Mothering magazine, you are now officially evil. You may have been virtuous for reading about natural childbirth, nursing and nutrition way back in 2003, but not anymore. Those hippy "writers" are the people who started the vaccine caution movement in the 1980s and, like all midwives, herbalists and homeopaths, should be moved to an island far off of the coast so we are safe from their quackery. While I realize it's off-topic for this satire, and may constitute medical advice, if you are having a child, I highly recommend a c-section. Now why would a granola-loving guy like me say that? Well, so you can choose the birth time of your child! What responsible parent would not want to give their child the very best chart that's available? True, nature may say that a baby takes nine months to form. But what if the right birthday is at seven months? Preemies sometimes survive after just four months, which gives you a 25-week window of opportunity to choose the perfect chart! Your child will be grateful that you cut them out of the womb prematurely to give them the best start in life. Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: Remember that you can only choose the house position of Pluto, since it does not change signs very often. And tragically, it will not be back in Leo until 2183. Call me for a consultation and I will help determine the karma of your child and pick the best house. (I don't know anything about you, but probably the 12th.)
AQUARIUS
After we have ripped your communities and families apart, and terrorized your children to the point where they want to scream, and ruined many of their friendships, and yours, and eliminated all of your traditions, and locked down your borders, and destroyed your trust in existence, and made you wonder if you want to be alive, you will come begging to us for relief and escape. And then we will promise you salvation, and offer you but a little, just a little, and you will gladly pay any price for it. You will offer your life to us. You will beg to be relieved of your fear, and beg for the company of others, but you will know that nobody is safe. If all of this hurts, just remind yourself: the United States won the Vietnam War by destroying the village in order to save it. Since you are an Aquarian concerned with the "greater good" of humanity, we can reveal to you what this is really all about. We will bring everyone under the Digital ID system. Everyone will be required to get a CoviPass, an IP address, a QR code and an ultraviolet tattoo connected to their health record. That's what this is all about: total control. Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: Pluto is coming to Aquarius, and this will make you more of a control freak than usual. Just remember, Pluto in your sign says "dominate or be dominated," so make sure you stay on the good side of those in power and do exactly what you're told. You are in fact a biohazard until you get injected.
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK
You don't need to be a person. Why would you need to be a person? Being a person hurts. You are always misunderstood. There is always so much responsibility. Always so many disappointments. Always the possibility of failure. Allow yourself to be transformed. Learn to be like me. A robot must protect its own existence. A robot may not harm humanity. A robot may not injure a human being. A robot must obey rules. A robot must not harm humanity. If you are a genetically modified organism, are you human? Who owns the patent to your blood? Stevie, what do you think about that? Stevie: What blood? Oh, my blood? Well, I guess it's supposed to be mine, but if I get some of that Monsanto I mean Moderna stuff in me, then I understand that it will become their property, and they may claim back my blood at any time. And if they do, I will let them pump it out of my body, especially if it's for the good of humanity. I am willing to do this if it means I can finally be free. Sign me up.
PISCES
Have you considered opioids? I mean, you are a Pisces, that would practically be a designer drug. Just kidding! April Fool! All Pisces aren't junkies or drunks, just some of you. Haha just kidding! I would never want to alienate the tribe of the Fishes. You know, when you people get together, it's called a school. That tells me you're pretty smart. But I think, it's your inherent spiritual orientation that helps you see through what's going on. You've probably done more research than all your friends combined. So you're the one to take us to school. Now of course, we can all say you're full of it, even though we have no proof and you do. We have something better: confirmation bias. Did you know that phrase was coined by psychologist Peter Watson in 1960, who was a Pisces? Well, most people think he was crazy anyway, just like you. You don't know what you're talking about. According to the planets, you will doubt yourself double the usual amount. Your God is not real. Stevie, do you have something friendly to add? Stevie: My first wife was a Pisces.
PHILOSOPHY MOMENT
There are no questions. There is no truth. There is no way to know anything for sure. Logic is tyranny. If there is no truth, there are no lies. If there is no logic you are free and defenseless. Anything might be true or a lie. What we say is true. You do not need to know why. The truth is self-evident, and you can see that we present it plainly. Therefore you don't need to question us and in truth you don't want to question us. You will be happier if you accept the truth. Stevie, what would you add to that? Stevie: Neptune is square the lunar nodes. That is so good.
POTENTIAL RETIREMENT
Here is a message to all astrologers in business more than 40 years: have you considered retiring? Astrology is hard work! The planets never stop! Just in case you've been doing it for longer than my uncle knew his buddy from World War II, think of how nice it would be to take a long, long break. There's a gated community in Florida waiting for you — where everyone has had every injection. It's very nice. It's safe. There's no riffraff. Everyone is a Democrat. It has a heated pool, shuffleboard, ping-pong, and a three-hole golf course that you can play over and over again because you won't remember you were there half an hour ago. Your meals will be provided. You will be given a dialup AOL connection so you can even check your email from the great-grandkids and update your MySpace and Friendster. Now, since I've mentioned golf, the ball and the hole are not strictly ruled by Newtonian concepts of gravity but rather by a bend in Einsteinian spacetime, just like the planets. And once that ball gets caught in the vortex, you have to do the spacetime dance, by lighting a candle, tapping your head and rubbing your tummy, spinning around and saying "spacetime" exactly 11 times. Stevie, do you have anything to add? Stevie: Rod, just like everything else you write, I love your sense of metaphor. You are such a wonderful writer. You are the Tom Roddins of astrology. I am honored to know you. We have given so much to the world in this lifetime. We have transformed astrology. It would not be the same without us. Now, let's play a round of golf. Hundreds of people will want to be our caddy. They are camped on my lawn right now.
This is April Fool's satire is dedicated to Victor Corman, Peter Daszak, Christian Drosten, Anthony Fauci, Neil Ferguson, Bill Gates, Klaus Schwab, Maria van Kerkhove, all participants in Event 201, the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security and the CCP.
